ANCHOR [ahref.com]: Cybersex

Cybersex
An online sexual revolution
7/13/98

by Cleo Odzer, Ph.D.

Put two compatible people together and sparks fly. Why? Because we are programmed to propagate the species. The drive for sex is as strong as the need for food and sleep. But we're human, not mice or moose, and our sexuality is processed through the defining element of our species: our not-so-logical brains.

Procreation is the last thing most of us think about when our juices flow. Consider that some of us aren't attracted to the opposite sex, some have fetishes whereby a shoe or an army uniform makes us salivate, and some prefer orgasms from a vibrator than from a human. With this in mind, it's easy to see how an inorganic computer can become the biggest turn-on the world has ever seen.

In this article, we'll look at what cybersex offers people and what we can expect in the future. We'll also hear about some examples, such as Calla of A Pink Cow (who's put a live webcam in her bedroom). Make sure to stop by the discussion forums, where you can post your own stories (anonymously if you like). Go to http://www.ahref.com/talk/view_thread.html?thread_id=26 to talk about cybersex.

Online Interactions
Cyber passion, jealousy, obsession, and anger are not shadow versions of their real-life counterparts. They're equals in strength and depth of feeling, since they trigger the same emotional states. A major part of relationships exists only in our minds, so we can become obsessed with someone we've never met, possibly someone whose appearance, age, or gender we can't verify. Our hot spots and sore spots arise from our subconscious. Our passions are sparked, to some degree, by ourselves.

All social situations combine our inner and outer worlds, but cyberspace provides an especially versatile medium for externalizing the internal. The motivation behind online actions comes from within each individual. Sometimes I feel a need to belong to a family or community. Sometimes I'm driven to bond romantically with one person. And sometimes murderous rage arises in response to an innocent remark made by a stranger in a newsgroup. My emotional reactions have little to do with others -- they come from the previous events in my life that make me "me." My behaviors in virtual relationships follow patterns I've established in real-life, some imprinted during childhood.

I know well the passion and obsession that can come from growing attached to a name on the screen. It's very real and compelling. More than once, I've been devastated by the loss of a Net love. At other times, only proximity has stopped me from rushing out and tearing the clothes off of a man I met on the Net.

Freedom to Explore
Cybersex allows people the freedom to explore sexuality. Archaic social mores don't apply online. Sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies are not a problem. Losing one's "reputation" is not a factor either, given the anonymity the Net provides. We can act out the fantasies we'd never consider pursuing in the flesh. We can switch gender and gender preferences. By trying out various scenarios, people can explore their own preferences and inhibitions.

Calla (www.apinkcow.com) is a woman whose sexuality blossomed with the freedom of the Net. In her own words she explains how this came about:

I had a webpage on AOL about me and what I like -- cows, Diet Coke, Barbie, Harley Davidsons, McDonalds -- just a silly page. It had some pictures of me that I'd update once in awhile. I heard about webcams and decided to use one for the page. People seemed to like seeing me, which really surprised me. I soon wanted to do more and people were writing, asking me to show more. AOL doesn't allow nudity, so a friend arranged for a server that let me go naked. I started loosening up and exposing my body and had a lot of fun. When it got expensive, I changed to a "member's only" format to pay the bills so I could keep doing it.
If you look back at the old shows it's funny to see how shy I was when I started. I had small pictures because I didn't want people to see me too closely. I didn't use toys. I'd never even seen a dildo or a vibrator. Then a fan sent me one and I really enjoyed it (so did my members). After a while I was able to make the pictures larger, and I eventually had oral sex and then intercourse on camera. I've become so uninhibited. It's exciting to know all those people are aroused by seeing me. I've made many new friends too. It's funny how people write me thinking I'm not real, that I'm a model or a porn star or part of a corporation. It really is just me and a membership company I hired to handle the credit cards. If you write me you get me. When you get a reply it's from me.

From Fantasy to "RL"
While some virtual spaces are down-to-earth realms, others lean toward fantasy. In places like MOOs -- MUD (Multi-User Domain) Object Oriented -- you create an imaginary world and write programs to make your fantasy objects do whatever you want.

For example, River MOO (www.rivermoo.com:8889) is "webbed," so you can make a webpage out of every object you create and connect your picture (or a picture of what you'd like people to think you look like) for potential mates to see. Though it's possible to be a made-up persona -- a different gender, younger, several pounds lighter -- you can be yourself too. In the past few months, River MOO has had three real-life weddings of people who met online and then continued the romance offline.

What the Future Holds
Peripherals that will allow us to manipulate the sex organs of a cyber lover already exist. For example, a new product called the Virtual Sex Machine will plug into your PC and allow a remote web partner to control stimulation. You can find out more about how it works in a RealVideo interview with its creator, Eric J. White (www.thesync.com/cyberlove/archives.html). The female version of this product is still in the design stages, but no doubt these products will initiate a whole new era of computer-mediated interactions.

A generation is now growing up with cyberspace as the place of their first sexual experience. This will be where they develop their sexuality and their sexual personas. Cybersex can be sizzling hot, and with computers in people's bedrooms, a sexual revolution is surely in the making. What we consider "sex" is changing, requiring a complete overhaul of previous definitions.

The joys of cybersex
I wrote my book Virtual Spaces: Sex and the Cyber Citizen (Putnam-Berkley, 1997) to validate peoples' experiences. Many feel guilty or confused by their virtual love affairs. The email I've received from those who've read the book has made it clear to me that cybernauts appreciate knowing they are not alone in their urges. They're relieved to hear that their feelings of love and lust are not "weird" but normal. Cybersex is truly a phenomenon of its time, and it's here to stay.

Cleo Odzer is the author of Virtual Spaces: Sex and the Cyber Citizen (Putnam-Berkley, 1997). She is an anthropologist who did her doctorate research studying prostitution in Thailand. Her background in human sexual behavior and her long-time sexually active existence as a cyber citizen combine to bring about an optimist view of the burgeoning Net culture.

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